Suddenly

Sixteen weeks: Suddenly. That’s how it all happened. One minute I felt strong, fit and well, the next moment everything started falling apart. A few days previous, I mentioned to Alok that I was not feeling the baby and that even his or her presence seemed to be missing. I tried not to make a big deal of it, and brushed off the idea that there was anything wrong. But it was as if the momentum of life that was building daily, suddenly ebbed away.

Then, while in London, I began to spot. I still felt well, but of course became frightened. I rang my midwife who, in her straightforward and grounded wisdom, assured me not to worry. She said, ‘If a baby is meant to stay, then they will. And if a baby is not meant to stay, then there is not much you can do to change that. So you might as well just chill out, but continue to enjoy your travels.’ She told me to check in with her if things changed. Surprisingly, I relaxed. I’m really grateful that she was so calm and matter-of-fact. The next day we took a train to Paris. I continued to spot, but not much. We found a tiny hotel near the Isle de Cite (a small island in the centre of the Seine, where Notre Dame is situated).

The next day I felt very tired and stayed in bed while Alok, my mum and the children spent the day seeing this wonderful city. They saw the Eiffel Tower and survived the Louvre, and returned to the hotel full of stories and smiles, though concerned about me. I, too, was increasingly concerned about me, and of course, the baby. And in the evening, I began to cramp, and bleed heavier. It’s strange, never for one minute did I let myself think I was beginning to miscarry. I was so determined to stay calm and stay present with what was happening each minute. So, while I look back and see that indeed that was what was happening, my experience in the moment, up to that point, was just calm.

The next morning, the cramps came stronger, three minutes apart, just like labour. At 10 a.m., with my mother, Alok and the children at my side, in that tiny little hotel room, I lost our baby. She was a girl. The gravity of the loss hit so hard, and for a while the whole room was just tears.
A few hours later, we placed the baby’s body in a small box and took it to Notre Dame...it seemed the only thing appropriate to do. We lit candles and then sent the little box down the river Seine with flowers. The little box floated down the Seine, along with our hopes and our dreams, and disappeared into the distance.

I called my midwife again and she told me not to worry about anything, but if I started to clot, I might need some medical attention. My feeling at the time was that my body had done it’s job, and I was fine.

Two days after the miscarriage, I began to feel faint and lose more blood and clots. I went into shock and was taken by ambulance to the hospital where I was sent into surgery, under a general, to have an evacuation. Apparently not all the placenta had left with the baby.

It’s now been over a week since the miscarriage. There’s so much more to write, but not for now. I have some time to heal, and spend my days quietly listening to what this little being, who visited us so briefly, has to tell me. I have no interest in guilt, as it is toxic, and obscures what gifts and meaning are to be gleaned during this time. For now I am listening, and crying, and listening some more.

Travelling while pregnant

Fifteen weeks: Last week my two children, my husband and I boarded a plane for the UK to visit family. My morning sickness lifted just in time for me to enjoy a much needed holiday, with a renewed sense of energy so I could enjoy some long walks in the Welsh countryside. We’re here for nearly five weeks, most of it in Wales and Ireland, but are taking a brief tour with my mum to Scotland, London and Paris. Phew! Many people raise their eyebrows when they discover I am pregnant and venturing on such a journey. I don’t really understand this ‘china doll’ approach to pregnancy. Surely our bodies are not so fragile. Both of my previous pregnancies happened literally while ‘on the road’ — travelling with my children’s father during his lecturing tours which took us all around the world for the entirety of my pregnancies. While emotionally it wasn’t so easy to be away from a home during that time, physically it was never difficult. But I don’t yet feel the baby. I know I’m not meant to until about week sixteen, but still, I’m waiting expectantly.

An Average Day

Fifteen weeks: Kelly Economidis left a comment for me after my blog about morning sickness. She asked if I would please share what my diet was like to keep me so energetic during times of morning sickness, which I have done below. But let me preface it by stating that from week three to about week fourteen, I did not have that much energy. I had enough to get up early, take a brisk walk, get the kids of to school and then work until about 2:30. But from 2:30 onwards I was pretty wiped out and usually went to bed as early as 7:30 pm. The kids loved this as I let them tuck me in, read me a story and snuggle me to sleep. But they were relieved when things started to return back to normal!

Right now, at week fifteen, I'm not needing nearly as many small meals. And I'm back to feeling my energetic self. I'm usually up between 6 a.m. and 7 a.m. and get to bed around 10 p.m. And I've added some low caffine chai with a bit of milk onto my routine, just because I'm hooked on it and for no other reason.

My diet was and still is based on a few guidelines:

• No caffine
• No alcohol
• High protein
• Very little sugar
• Only a tiny bit of dairy
• As much water as I could possibly tolerate, but not during meals. Water dilutes the digestive process.
  
• Lots of small high-protein meals / snacks
• Treats every now and again were very important for me - helped keep me on track.
  
• And plenty of tuning in to see what I was 'sick of' in any given moment (ie, a situation, a conversation, a phone call, an issue, a meal, a chore) with permission to exit out of anything in any given moment.

6:00 a.m. Wake up, immediately drink one large glass of water, along with the black horehound herbs (a must, if I skipped the herbs first thing, I became quite ill). One slice of organic toast with jam.

6:15 a.m. Go out for one-hour walk.

7:15 a.m. Herbal tea (I found mint very soothing to my stomach, and mixed it with my personal favourite - tulsi tea from Organic India. Tulsi has natural stress-relieving and healing properties. Ask your healthfood store to stock it.

7:30 a.m. Breakfast of organic toasted musli, with two tablespoons of LSA and plain organic yogurt. I take twice daily a pregnancy supplement (Natal Plus by Eagle), and Omega 3 fish oil supplement.

8:30 a.m. Herb tea

10:00 a.m. Rice cakes with organic unhulled tahini

11:30 a.m. Fresh squeezed juice of apple, carrot, beetroot and celery, combined with a teaspoon of barley greens (powder, you can get from the health food store).

12:30 a.m. Lunch of vegetable soup, or nori rolls (seaweed, brown rice and avocado)

2:00 p.m. Banana dipped in unhulled tahini. I took a second dose of black horehound if I needed it, but I rarely needed to.

3:00 p.m. Usually around this time I allowed myself a treat - a bit of organic dark chocolate, or a muffin or some home made banana bread.

4:30 p.m. Olives, a bit of sheeps cheese on crackers

6:00 p.m. Dinner of roast organic chicken, salad with lots of sprouts, mashed potatoes with the peel left on, roast beetroot.

7:30 p.m. Bedtime.

I'd also like to add that one time a week I see an acupuncturist (Japanese). This really helps keep me nourished on many levels.

What was my diet like before? Pretty much like this, except add coffee, beer, way too much dairy (cheese is my downfall) and a few too many skipped meals!!

Following the Baby’s Lead

Fifteen weeks: It is said that the first trimester of pregnancy is the time the baby’s soul is entering the earthly realm of the mother’s body. Changes might not be seen so much in the woman’s outward appearance as the baby is taking up very little room physically—but inwardly, it’s fireworks and there is lots of space being taken indeed! A few weeks ago, a friend asked me how did I feel now that I was pregnant. ‘Philosophical’ was my reply.

Upon reflection of the last 15 weeks, I would have to say, yes, it’s been a very intense period. At least for me it has been. At night my dreams were very intense. One night I was even visited by my step-brother, killed over 20 years ago. We sat down for a long talk, and worked out some of our past family dramas. I awoke feeling as if something important had happened. Then there are the hidden issues that arise for healing. In my case, unresolved trauma from my previous two pregnancies, which echoed onto the present and took enormous discernment to see through their projections.

For some women, pregnancy is a time when such trauma doorways are opened—be it from childhood, or previous pregnancy / birth experiences. So the first trimester can be a good time to brush up on your understanding of basic psychology, projections, and all that good stuff. Or better yet, have some good company around you who does—a trusted midwife or counsellor. Or just take a great big short cut and hang out with some of the talks by Eckhart Tolle. His latest online class with Oprah Winfrey is a free download – where they discuss with hundreds of thousands of people around the world via web-seminar (a historic feat in itself) all ten chapters of his newest book A New Earth. Personally I feel Eckhart is one of the most important, clear, honest and direct spiritual teachers of our time (and I’ve been around a fair few). His teachings of self-inquiry are absolutely classical, but potent.

Alok gave me an iPod on the day he found out I was pregnant, so I could listen to all my favourite interviews while I walked for hours. Forget about Radio National, Eckhart has been with me most mornings, reminding me to stay present in the moment. It has been a very important part of my surviving the first trimester without too much emotional drama.

The nausea wasn’t so bad, but given it was a kind of dull background noise 24 / 7 it started to become wearing. Then, at 14 weeks, overnight, it ended and the clouds parted. Ahhh. I just now begin to feel myself again.

The first trimester was filled with gifts as well. This new little being inside seemed to be attracting to him or her all kinds of circumstances, events, decisions that, I swear for the life of me, would not have occurred otherwise. It’s as if he or she were setting the stage for their life to be. For example, one evening, quite spontaneously my two children (9 and 12 years old) decided together that they did not want to shout at each other any more when they became angry. They said they wanted a fresh start with the new baby and didn’t want to carry on old ways in the ‘new’ family. Well, this was quite an amazing conversation to behold, really.

And new people have come into my life that seem to have arrived by some sort of belly button radar – pulled forth not by usual circumstances. The baby? Maybe. At least I like to think so.
Then this book plopped into my lap (well, not literally). It’s called The 4 Hour Work Week. Now before you dismiss it as some sort of Neo-American time management quick-fix…hold on to your matches (I know, the website looks really really corny). This book has been an answer to a prayer that went something like this, ‘Dear God, how the h*## am I going to manage a new baby, a magazine, a budding teenager, a daughter, my marriage, a new website, a new book, my horse, and all the other things I want to do in my life? Amen.’

I admit, I had to get through the first 20 pages (and some basic assumptions about me as a reader that annoyed me) before I began to see the genius of this book. It’s not about ‘balance’ and ‘juggling’ and ‘doing and having it all’….it simply shreds common business culture, and all its unnecessary busyness, and takes you back to some basic common sense premises. Within about five days, I had reclaimed my evenings, cut my work time in half (no joke), and stopped waking up each morning with a shot of adrenaline. I’ve read three novels—just for fun—finished the June edition of Kindred a week early with time to spare, and had lots of time to just kick back and grow a baby. Ok, it’s not a work week of four hours, but, hey, I’m thrilled.

I give the baby credit for all of this. I’ve grown more as a person in the last 15 weeks than I have in the last, well, five years maybe? A lot. I think the baby is asking me to step up to a plate, lift my game, let go and open my heart. How cool is that.

Research into Pap Smears During Pregnancy and Beyond

Twelve weeks: So I’m a week into researching the safety (and supposed necessity) of doing a Pap while pregnant, risks of carrying a CIN 3 while pregnant (as in my case), and about cervical cancer in general. According to the Australian Government’s Department of Health and Ageing, cervical cancer is slow-growing, taking about 10 years to develop. This tells me one important thing for my situation—I have some time.

Some professional say that doing a Pap during pregnancy can be misleading. Due to hormonal changes in pregnancy, cervical dysplasia may increase for some women. So one has to question the wisdom of doing a Pap at this time.

While many medically-based sites stress the safety, many more forums reveal the increased risk of miscarriage. Even amongst the medical community, opinions vary greatly. Some say Paps are an essential part of prenatal care, while others don’t recommend it unless there was cause for concern. However, Pap Smears are now only recommended every two years, so that ends the ‘should I have a Pap while pregnant’ question. On Gynob.com for example, Paps are recommended, however they allude to any treatment of abnormality could be addressed post birth. Even my own OBGYN did not want to perform the Pap until I was 12 weeks, saying that if I did it earlier, it could pose a risk to the pregnancy. She said that she would use the traditional ‘wooden’ stick to take the smear, rather than the more contemporary, slightly more invasive tool. OK, so this tells me that some doctors believe there could be some risk in doing Paps while pregnant. I have also learned that many doctors prefer to postpone treatment of dysplasia until after the birth. That’s my first bit of real information.

My second bit of information is around treatment of a CIN 3 while pregnant (which apparently I’m at risk of having based on my last Pap). Many doctors say that pregnancy ‘speeds up the growth of precancerous cells’ however, many others disagree. Note from an article that appeared in the European Journal of Obstetrics & Gynecology and Reproductive Biology (Volume 104 , Issue 1 , Page 67) by E . Paraskevaidis called ‘Management and evolution of cervical intraepithelial neoplasia during pregnancy and postpartum’ this conclusion:

‘There is a considerable regression rate of CIN after pregnancy possibly attributable to the loss of the dysplastic cervical epithelium [thin layer of cells] during cervical ripening and vaginal delivery.’

And if I indeed did have a Pap (and risk a miscarriage, and because I was pregnant, the chance of showing abnormal cells increased), what would the recommended treatment be? Well traditionally there are four ways to treat dysplasia:

* Cryotherapy (freezing the cells with liquid nitrogen).
* LEEP (Loop Electrosurgical Exision Procedure)
* Conization (also called cone biopsy)
* Laser (not as widely used today due to high cost, lack of availability, and not all doctors are well-trained with using it. LEEP is more commonly used)

However, again, many doctors would not attempt these procedures until post birth. If a woman has an abnormal Pap smear during or just prior to pregnancy, even if it's severely abnormal, many health care providers will not do treatment. They will just monitor the cervix closely with a colposcope during the pregnancy.

The reason that many health care providers do not want to do treatment during pregnancy is because it may accidentally cause early labour or miscarriage.

According to The American Social Health Association, the types of HPV that can cause cell changes on the cervix and genital skin have not been found to cause problems for babies.

OK – so here's my conclusion: Given that I have had a previous CIN 3 some months ago, I might be at risk of developing cervical cancer some time in the future. However, cervical cancer is slow-growing so there is time to deal with it. As well, a Pap during pregnancy could give a false reading due to hormonal changes, in addition, it could pose a risk to the pregnancy. And given the research, had I done a Pap which resulted in CIN 3 again, I am not willing to do any of the treatment procedures during the pregnancy, which could also pose a risk to the pregnancy. And in addition, many abnormalities clear up with vaginal birth. What will I do? I’ll not do the Pap. CIN 3 (if indeed that is what is happening) will have to wait.

There are those who would advise never to have a Pap, nor a mammogram. They argue that such procedures lead to over-treatment and ultimately come with their own set of risks.

Meanwhile, the sanest information I have yet to find available comes from the wonderful Susan Weed (author of Wise Woman Herbal for the Childbearing Year). Check out her wonderful article on what to do in the Pap labyrinth.

Dealing with the Advice

Ten weeks: People have lots of advice to give me. I like it and welcome all of it as I recognise it as a gesture of care, plus there’s lots of good advice out there. But I am also aware that I cannot follow all of it. This is a time when checking in and getting really clear about my own instinct and wisdom tells me becomes very important. I think nature plans it this way. We as mothers are being created, just as our babies are being created inside. Here’s some of the advice I’ve received, and what I’ve done with it:

‘Don’t ride your horse, especially not in the first trimester’—Well, I’ve been riding all my life. Somehow I just couldn’t stop. I have a feeling I’ll stop riding as I get a bit bigger. For now, it feels fine. OK, I don’t jump or sit the trot…but a gentle canter and a medium trail ride seems fine. In fact, helpful. I imagine I might stop around mid second trimester, though I've heard of those who've ridden nearly to the end. I imagine their mounts are gentle!

‘Don’t jog’—I’ve been a runner since I was 15 years old. But I can’t find the energy to run right now. I’m walking instead, and plan to start yoga soon. But if I felt like jogging, I would.

‘Don’t tell anyone for at least three months’—No way! I’m too much of a loud mouth. And something in me wants to create community around this event and this process. If for some reason, I miscarry, then that can be the community process. I’m ok with that, and in fact, would welcome the support that I would undoubtedly need should that happen.

Pap Smear or No Pap Smear?

Eight weeks: I just phoned Jane, my OBGYN. We had that second Pap Smear appointment due this week. I told her I was pregnant and was concerned about doing a Pap. She agreed she didn’t want to do a Pap so early in the pregnancy. So we scheduled it for when I was 12 weeks along.

But now I’m thinking. Should we do the Pap, and the test says Cin 3 again, what will I do? Certainly a biopsy would be out of the question as it would endanger the pregnancy. And then how would that information affect me during the pregnancy? This feels like a bit of a quandary. I’m going to do some more research. Mothering magazine’s forum is always a great read—it’s like hanging out with girlfriends and having a good chat about things. It’s a good place to start, before researching the serious stuff. Soon Kindred will launch their own forum. Check out the thread about Pap Smears during preganancy

PS – I miss my Corona with a twist of lime.

The Gift of Morning Sickness

Seven weeks: Yesterday I felt the full kick of morning sickness. I wasn’t paying attention to my body and started rushing around in the morning. We’re selling our home and someone wanted to see it…so I was frantically making beds and tidying up. I forgot to take my herbs and forgot to eat breakfast early. Walking my daughter to the bus stop, it suddenly descended on me. I felt so nauseous and light headed and wasn’t sure if I could make it home. As well, a whole emotional overlay came with it—I felt angry, frustrated and totally hormonal and it was projecting itself onto everything. I came home quickly and ate, and had to stay very very centred so as not to start going at Alok or burst into tears. Every thought frustrated me, the whole world looked bleak. After about twenty minutes it cleared, but I paid the price all day as it just remained like a thin veil physically and emotionally.

I’ve decided that morning sickness is a call from the body to be present. ‘What do you need right now?’ it is asking. If something is upsetting me or troubling me and I’m not being present with it, the morning sickness sets in—as if something is making me ‘sick’, or I’m ‘sick’ of something. And if I’m not feeding myself properly, with the things my body needs, again the morning sickness sets in. I notice if I stay present with these things, the morning sickness stays at bay. But like a sentinel, it’s there waiting, keeping guard over my body and my baby’s needs. Embracing the morning sickness as an invitation, as a helpful force rather than an annoyance also seems to help. Interesting how culture ‘informs’ our opinions, that in turn informs how we relate to things such as morning sickness. In medically-based thinking, morning sickness is a ‘problem’. And I can say, in a pregnancy mind, saying something is a problem just makes it worse!!

Dealing with Morning Sickness

Six weeks: I’m already becoming thicker around my waist and so amazed that the changes happen so fast. Morning sickness fell upon me today. I experienced very intense morning sickness (…er, all day sickness) during my last two pregnancies. But now I have much more support—acupuncturists, herbalists, and a husband who loves to keep me fed on protein. Kindred’s March 08 edition (Vol 25) featured a short piece on morning sickness in the Health & Wellbeing department (page 44). In it they mention the importance of maintaining blood sugar levels by eating lots of small regular meals that are high in protein and low in carbohydrates. This seemed to work for me immediately. I also, upon suggestion by my naturopath, began taking a liquid herbal blend with black horehound as the main ingredient. So far, it’s working like a charm. Thankfully. As well I have to make sure I eat breakfast early, upon waking, rather than waiting an hour or so…a challenge as I rarely wake up hungry!

I’ve made phone calls to two midwives. Neither one has returned my call. I’m noticing that it is bothering me—more than something usually bothers me. Is it a sign that they are not the ones? Should I call them again? Should I move on? It’s playing in my mind and creating doubts and insecurities. I’m noticing how vigilant I must be now with my mind and emotions—as they are playing out more intensely. To support myself in this I sit and meditate often during the day, and even take mini-moments whenever the need arises, to just meet uncomfortable feelings or thoughts and let them melt into ‘nowness’.

We’re Pregnant! …after trying for three years

Four weeks after conception:
Last week I discovered, much to my joy, that I am pregnant (with my third child—my other two are 9 and 12). I’m 43 years old, and Alok and I have been trying for three years. What took so long and what made it finally happen? For starters, we were a bit challenged to conceive by our commitment to the non-orgasmic love-making process we first learned about in the book Peace Between the Sheets (a way of being with your partner that I cannot recommend highly enough – see the Kindred article on the subject. It's been life changing for us. But, you can’t easily make a baby without orgasm! So, we’d abstain for three or four months, then go for it one month, then abstain again. Finally, the last few months, we decided we had to put the whole Peace Between the Sheets system on hold for a while if we wanted to get serious about conceiving.

Also, we had to sort out a few issues. Our finances were shocking and causing tremendous stress. We had some property for sale that wasn’t budging, and it was putting pressure on everything else. Three weeks ago, that property sold. Within days I was pregnant.

Another challenge was my health. I several months ago I had an abnormal Pap Smear reading—CIN 3, which is the most severe level of dysplasia. My first doctor wanted me to go in for an‘emergency biopsy’ immediately. She was of course obliged to put me through this procedure. Having spent little time in the medical world (gratefully) I was surprised by how quickly fear was worked into me, by words, by insinuations. I walked out of the office sure I was going to die, feeling completely disempowered and my only hope placed in the hands of the medical system. Shaking back some of my senses, I went home that night and began doing some research and discovered many things. I discovered that:

1. I had some time—cervical cancer is among the slowest growing cancers. Some can take up to 10 years to form. Certainly I had longer than 24 hours to do an emergency biopsy.
2. There are many studies that show biopsies leave cervical tissue more vulnerable to cancer.
3. Many ‘abnormalities’ can be cleared up through herbs, supplements (extra Folate) and lifestyle change.
4. Pap Smears vary greatly in terms of accuracy, and readings can often be temperamental.

Certainly this was enough evidence to give me some space in which to find some alternative solutions to my quandary. And at the very least, I should get a second Pap, and a second opinion.

So I canceled my biopsy and arranged for a second opinion. As well I paid a visit to my acupuncturist, my naturopath, a vibrational healer and a kinesiologist. I picked these modalities because they’ve worked for me, very well, over the years. I’m convinced everyone has their very own unique ‘formula’ of alternatives that work for them. The key is in being at the helm of one’s own healing journey, using research, information and intuition as a guide, as opposed to handing over complete responsibility to someone wearing a white coat. There I became clear about what sort of things I needed to do to support my body to heal. My diet changed (geez, I already thought it was pretty healthy!), I sorted out some stress issues, and obtained armloads of herbs.

The visit to the second doctor, a woman named Jane who specialised in women’s health, proved much more empowering and enlightening. She agreed I had time, and was pleased to hear about the different modalities I was using to get my health back in balance. She said she wanted to ‘let these other systems work on me for a while’ and then rescheduled me for another Pap for three months later. So, I had bought myself some time. And along the way was gifted with the opportunity to become healthier and more in alignment with my life.

As well, there were other pressures—work / life balance, my challenges around keeping boundaries for myself, and my relationship to my own health. Quite by coincidence, I began a Rolfing (http://www.rolfguild.org/aboutsi.html) series a few months ago, prompted in part by an article in the June 08 edition of Kindred about the benefits of Rolfing for pre-pregnancy preparation. I expected physical benefits, but never imagined the psychological, emotional and spiritual benefits. Slowly over the series of ten sessions all kinds of issues started clearing—especially the ones I named above.

As a result of a kind of major healing journey, some big shifts have occurred in our life that I am certain have contributed towards me becoming pregnant:

1. We’re selling our home and downshifting—getting out from under a big mortgage, moving to a smaller, simpler home that requires much less maintenance.
2. We’ve moved our office out of our home, to a space in town just a five minute bike ride away.
3. I’m meditating consistently and have re-established a closer relationship to myself and my inner life.
4. Our commitment to local, organic produce has strengthened.
5. We’re taking a huge holiday in June.
6. I’ve ended a couple of toxic relationships.
7. I’ve let go of controlling every inch of my family’s life.

I plan to use this blog to diarise my pregnancy and birth journey. My hope is that it will be of some support in some way to others. It is my intention to be as honest, candid and open as possible. Being 43 (I’ll be 44 by the time the baby is born), planning a homebirth, working pretty much full time, have no intention of doing any prenatal tests (read Sarah Buckley’s wonderful material on pregnancy, birth and prenatal testing in her book Gentle Birth Gentle Mothering, available at the Kindred shop and still burdened with the looming Pap Smear question means that my case is rather unusual. How will it all pan out? What will be my challenges, my disappointments and my thrills? I’ve decided to let it all be here on these pages. I hope you will contribute your thoughts, ideas and stories as well in the comments section. Certainly that will make it an even richer experience for all of us.